i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
