I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
