the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
