i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
