her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
