so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
