if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
