I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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