She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
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Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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