a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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