i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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