She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
