Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
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After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
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I won't apologize to a one balled man
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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