I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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