I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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