I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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