tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
