I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I still have a little drunk in my system
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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