we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
