im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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