her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
