i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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