It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
