At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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