You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
