don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
where are my eyebrows?
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