So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
