i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize