so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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