did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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