Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
