Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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