Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
