dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
