I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Two words: nipple clamps
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