that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
