i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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