he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize