why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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