naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
