she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
