Just fell off a train. Bad.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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