I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
