the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
