Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
