I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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