I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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