I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
