I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
where are my eyebrows?
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