Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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