You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
