There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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