Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
