did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
