Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
