i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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