I don't remember. Are we still dating?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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