bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
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I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We have started to decorate penises.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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