There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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