I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
