Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
