why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
