Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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